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I am a task master (my mom came up with the name), meaning I have the capability to learn how to do basically anything I want to and be pretty good at it. I always thought that was such a cool gift. But, I’m also quite an ambitious person, and I tend to run blindly into my “great ideas”. I usually think things through, so my ideas are actually mostly good ones. Just, maybe not for me.

A little a year and a half ago I decided to make a social site for my youth group. I thought it was going to fix everyone’s problems, and it would make everything easier for everyone. Well, that was only partly true. I put hours, and hours, and hours of time into that social site. It was increadibly draining (both emotionally and mentally), and after a couple months I really started to hate doing it.

I could do it, and I could do it well, but that doesn’t mean I should keep doing it.

A week or so ago I decided to take a break from it. I haven’t touched it, I haven’t had any meetings, I haven’t made any little adjustments here and there. And, most importantly, I haven’t felt like I had to do anything on it. It’s Saturday. I woke up, and I thought, “Do I have anything I need to do today? Nope. Video games it is!” I haven’t done that in a really long time because I felt obligated to make this thing that no one actually asked me to make.

This is my senior year in high school, and I really want to make sure I don’t lose it. I want to have fun. I want to learn how to do what I’m good at, and what I enjoy doing.

But, I did learn some interesting things from my stint as a web developer. I learned how to make a social site, and what one may need to do so. I learned a lot about how to improve my own blog. And, I even improved my skills as a public speaker (which I actually want to do more of). I learned a lot more than I thought I would, and (don’t tell my mom I’m saying this) I didn’t waste all that work like I thought I did.

I wanna bring this back around because I think it’s really important. Just because you can do something, and you might do it well, does not mean you should keep doing it.

Something I’ve always loved about music is that feeling you get when you hear something really good. You know, that feeling that gives you goose bumps? Or inspires you so much all you can do to let it all out is dance? Well, I’ve always wanted to be able to do that. To inspire people. To help them feel that amazing feeling. I thought the only way to do that was through music, but I was wrong.

I decided to read through my first blog post (the one about finding a hyacinth among that April snow storm we had last year), and I felt that. I felt that inspiration that came with music. I decided to read through a few others, and that feeling kept coming.

A friend of mine once told me she really liked my writing, and I couldn’t really figure out why. To me, it’s just writing. It’s the way I think. It’s what I see. But, after reading what I’ve written before, I understood.

I don’t know if I just felt really tired and emotional when I read my old posts (because that is quite a high possibility), and I don’t know if I make anyone else feel the way I did, but I really hope I do. I love writing, and I really hope I can use all this to help someone. Even if it’s just to brighten their day a little.

I am a Christian, but I’m not a “christiany” person. I believe in prayer, but it’s definitely something I’ve struggled with. For a long time I could never understand how talking to someone that seemed like nothingness when I was little could mean anything to anyone. But, over the last couple years, I really have learned why prayer is significant. What it means to me, God, and others.

My understanding of prayer really hit me in the last couple months. I went through a phase of life where I was depressed, and anxious, and despite my enormous want to help people with all of their problems, I simply couldn’t. Trying to help only made things worse on my end, and I didn’t quite know what to do. When someone came to me with a problem, how could I say to them, “I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this right now,”?

After talking to my mom, and a friend of mine, I started to pray. And I mean really pray. Not just, “God, thank you for this day, please help tomorrow go well, and please give me everything I want.” I was saying,

“God, I can’t help these people in any way, shape, or form, but I know you can. Even though I don’t want to, I’m going to trust that you’ll take care of them, and I’m going to back off.”

And, guess what? It worked. I wasn’t as anxious and depressed as I was before, and I wasn’t interfering with the plan God already had by butting into these peoples lives. Praying to God, and trusting him, gave me this peace that I had never experienced before. And, until I had written this post, I didn’t really start to see it as peace. This is that magical sense of peace I’ve heard about my entire life, and never trusted, nor experienced.

As my last sentence may have let on, I’m still learning a lot. I’m still processing the last couple months and looking for what I can learn. Trying to see the good, as it where. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do that.

I have a lot I want to say, and want to share, but I’m not sure I’m ready to dive into that yet. We’ll see. But, I do know that I have my mojo back, so I should be writing a lot more.

Popcorn + late night + toothpaste = happiness

When I was little and my cousins, sister, and I were all at my grandma’s house, it often felt like the happiest place on earth (when we all weren’t fighting, of course). Today I get to share with you another great memory involving popcorn, late nights, and toothpaste.

After a long day of playing outside, and covering ourselves with a fine layer of dirt, my grandma would give us all bubble baths. After baths we would climb into our jammies, snuggle up on the couch, and watch a movie. (On REALLY special nights we would all sleep in the living room and watch some 80’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Tom and Jerry.) We would all be completely zoned out by whatever we were watching, and then that beautiful smell would come wafting out of the kitchen. We would hear the loud pop of the air popper, the beep from the microwave, meaning the butter was melted, and the shaking of salt and butter in a tub completely covering each individual piece of popcorn (and sometimes there were extra buttery ones that got a little too covered; those were my favorite). Grandma would bring in a couple plastic ice cream buckets full of popcorn, take one to my grandpa, and then come and sit with us.

Once popcorn was finished, and bedtime loomed (usually after Power Puff Girls at ten ‘o clock) she would scoot us into the bathroom, make us brush our teeth, and then send us all upstairs to bed. She would follow soon after, tuck us in, and read us a story. Once the story was over she turned off the lights, headed downstairs, and left us, full of love (and food), to think about the day. To think about the fun we had and the fun tomorrow would bring. But, mostly what I felt, was happiness. The fresh feeling of the bath. The warm feeling of the popcorn. And the cool feeling of the toothpaste.

I mentioned in my last post that there would be a second part, and, here we are. But first, I have a short story to tell.

I’ve really been struggling lately with not moping about how hard the last couple months have been. I feel like, after having worked so hard and struggled through so much, I shouldn’t have to work so hard anymore. And, you all know me, I try to look for the good in everything. I haven’t really been able to do that in a while. All I’ve been seeing is bad, and my emotional state hasn’t helped much lately.

Last night I got the chance to use some of the things I’ve been struggling with lately to help a friend. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to see good, and see how God takes what seems so bad, and makes it good.

Now, moving right along here (see what I did there?).

I believe all things are used for good, as we’ve previously discussed. But, that doesn’t mean they won’t be hard, or awful, or painful. I’ve been in enough situations lately that have felt bad, that I honestly wanted to just give up. I wanted to sit in my house and do nothing but read Harry Potter all day. But, after a while, I realized that I wasn’t looking for the good. There was so much of what felt like bad that I just kind of forgot to look for the good.

Looking for the good in situations is part of how I keep going. It’s like going into a deep, dark, scary cave but knowing it’s worth it because there are butterflies and Lucky Charms on the other side. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy to go through, but isn’t knowing there’s Lucky Charms on the other side going to drive you to go anyway?

So, now that we’ve discussed how hard things are worth it, let’s discuss why we don’t completely move on. All things happen for a reason, meaning we need to use them. Not hold tightly to them, not use them to hold us back, but use them to make us stronger. We need to learn things from what we’ve done. And, let me tell ya, sometimes this kinda sucks. But it’s important. If we don’t learn from what we did before, we’ll do the same exact thing tomorrow.

These are all just some things that have helped me move on (but not completely). I hope they can help all of you the way they’ve helped me.

(Partial credit is given to my mom, because she was the one who taught me how to do all this in the first place.)

This post is going to be the first part of a two part series (assuming I remember what the second post was gonna to be…)

I love to invest in people. I love to love on them, and help them, and care about them, and hopefully make a difference in their lives. I think that’s why I love working with kids so much. I love being able to love on them and teach them how to love people. But, with investing comes a price. A price that, to me, means quite a lot. The price, of loss.

Every time I invest in someone I know they aren’t going to be in my life forever, but I almost never remember that. When you love on people it’s hard to let them go. Even if it might be the right decision.

It seems a lot like fostering.* You take in these kids with every intention to love on them like they’re your own. You spend months, maybe even years, taking them to school, asking how their day was, playing with them, laughing with them. And then you get a call. The parents are ready to take the kids back. And they’re just, gone. You know it’s better for them to be with their parents if they can, but you’ve been with these kids for so long, you just don’t want to let go.

I’ve never felt that in a foster situation, but I’ve had plenty of people come, and go, and I’ve spent years wondering if they remember me. Wondering if I made a difference to them. Praying that I helped them in some way. And you know what? That’s all we can do. I’ve said multiple times that people come and go. So, with that in mind, I’ve tried to forget the pain of them leaving. I’ve tried to forget the fear of being forgotten. Because all we can do is do our best in the moment, and pray for the best.

A couple years ago, when I suddenly realized that some people will leave, I came to the conclusion that if I stop investing, and loving, I’ll never be hurt. I’ll never feel that loss of losing someone I care about. But when I started to get hugs from little kids who were genuinely happy to see me, and missed me, I realized that it’s worth it. Somethings are just worth feeling a little hurt for. I’m pretty sure you can ask any foster parent if it was worth it, bringing a little kid into your home only to leave again, and they’ll say yes. Those hugs and those happy moments make up for the pain you might feel.

Turns out I do remember what the second post will be about. So, instead of making this one stupid long, I’ll cut off here and continue another day. Stay tuned, kids.

Oh, and, if you have a happy memory, or any way that I’ve made an impact in your life, I’d love to hear it. Especially from those of you I haven’t seen/ talked to in a while. Feel free to comment below, or message me on Twitter.

*Please note that I’ve never been in a foster family, so I have no practical knowledge of any of this, but I know people who are foster families and I’ve read up on the subject. This story is simply meant to be used as an analogy.

Well, it’s been almost a month now, but I should have some time to start blogging again (I hope). This summer has been great, but also very long. Whenever I tell people I’m excited for fall to begin, and for school to start, they usually make a comment about how crazy I am. But I love fall!!! Once school starts, and fall begins, things should start getting back to normal. I should have more time to work on my projects, and this year I’m trying not to sign up for too many things so I make sure I have more time on my hands. Aaaaaaaaand, half way through October I’ll be headed off to my first college visit. It’s crazy to think that I’m old enough to start thinking about college, but I think I’m ready. I think… When I was little everything pretty much stayed the same, but, the older I get, the more things are changing. I see people go. I see opportunities go. But I also see lots of new things come that usually turn into something amazing. Before, when I started to see change coming, I would do my best to hold onto the old as long as I could. But now, I look at change and I see opportunities. I see friends. And, sometimes, even family.

The things that come are almost never what I expect, but they’re usually a lot better.

I’m excited for this new season of change. Don’t get me wrong, it totally scares me, and I don’t want to have to say goodbye to so much, but it’s not goodbye forever. Someday I’ll come back and look at everything I was apart of. Hopefully, when I do come back, I’ll be able to see the difference I made. Part of what helps me be okay with moving on is the hope that I made a difference in the lives of the people around me. It helps keep me moving in my new world, as well.

I thought things would be less crazy this week, but alas, no. This week we got ready for my sister’s second graduation party (which went wonderfully last night), and we’ve been getting ready for a trip. As of tomorrow my sister and I will be in Pennsylvania for Teen Leadership Conference. It’s a conference for high school students put on by Clark’s Summit University. Thus meaning, I won’t be writing next week either. For all that I’m not super excited I haven’t been writing, I’ve learned a lot from not doing so.

I also felt a huge win in the last couple weeks. I think every writer wonders if they’re noticed. I’ve been working on my social media marketing, and marketing in general, and it finally payed off. The statistics on my site showed that I got TWO Google searches. To me that means that people aren’t just randomly looking at my site when they see it on Twitter, or Facebook, but that they’re actually looking for it. I’m jumping for joy.

At the moment I’m really exhausted, so I don’t think I’ll have a lot of blog posts in me for a while. But, hopefully I’ll get to writing again soon.