Tag: choices

Disappointment

This was my senior year of High school. At the beginning of the year I was determined to do as many things as I could. I was gonna hang out with friends, go to as many Youth Group activities as I could, be on the Youth Group worship team (and maybe join the worship team on Sundays). I was gonna be someone the middle schoolers could look up to, and I was gonna be there when my friends needed me. I had a plan, and I was gonna do it all. Guess what? Plans changed.

It hasn’t been a lot (although it feels like it), but I’ve had to miss a some things because I either haven’t felt well, or because of my anxiety. And, to be honest, there are times when I’m really upset about it. I’m not really upset that I’ve had to miss things, but I’m upset because I let myself miss things. I let myself get so anxious that I had panic attacks. Let myself hide from the hard things. Let myself tell people I couldn’t help them. It “feels like” (we’ll come back to that “feels like” in a minute) I’ve been a bad friend because I couldn’t be there for people. And a bad youth grouper because I wasn’t there being an example for the other kids.

Everything I wrote above is a “feels like”. It “feels like” I was a bad friend. Doesn’t mean I was. “Feels like” I’ve been a bad youth grouper. Doesn’t mean I was. Most often these “feels like”s have a truth to them that show you how wrong you really are. It’s pretty nice.

Now, back to the main point. I could spend all year long disappointed in myself because of all the things I couldn’t do. But, even with everything that I’ve been battling this year, I did some pretty cool things. Observe:

  • I stayed on my church’s puppet team
  • Went to as many youth groups as I could
  • Made some new friends
  • Stayed on the youth group worship team
  • Made my preexisting friendships stronger
  • Did every single offertory I signed up for; despite anxiety, and despite fear
  • I got to know some really cool little kids at my church
  • I’ve made it through some really busy mornings at church

To be honest with you, I could keep making that list longer, and longer. For every one thing I may have done to disappoint myself, I kept thinking about one thing I did to encourage myself. Basically, I had this conversation with myself: “Remember that one time you skipped out? Sure. But do you also remember that one time you kept pushing even though it hurt, and then you won?”

We aren’t going to be perfect. We can’t do everything. It was kinda stupid of me to try to do all the things. Because, anxiety or not, I’m not perfect. The cool thing is, that even though I had anxiety and was pretty much terrified every time I went to church, I still went. I still did a lot of things. Sure, it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. None of this year has really been what I wanted. But, it’s what I got. And, I’m making the choice to learn from it, and use it. That’s what I’ve had to do my whole life, and that’s what I’m gonna keep doing.

So, to sum up (you better get used to my rabbit trails; they’re not gonna stop): Everybody has something they’re fighting, or working towards. If you’re giving your all, don’t hate on yourself because you think you’re not “doing enough”. Be thankful for what you have been able to do, and remember that you did your best. That’s all any of us can do.

Sorry, Not Sorry

My whole family has spent the last month or so being sick. At first, I didn’t feel too bad, but the more I went on, and tried to do all the things (hanging out with friends, youth group, church), the worse I felt. Not just physically, but emotionally. At this point, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I need more time (especially when I just don’t feel well). I just have to let go, and take some sick time. Even if I don’t want to.

I’ve learned that, when life is busy, there are going to be times when I just need to take a break. At the moment, I can’t do as much as I may want to. Which is okay. But sometimes I feel bad. I feel bad when I can’t go to church and give my best friend a hug because I don’t feel well. I feel bad when I have to cancel (sometimes multiple times) because I just don’t feel well. HOWEVER, I can’t do everything. Maybe the lesson here is that I need to cool it a little with my scheduling. But, what I was originally getting at was, I’m not sorry. When I feel awful, and I have to cancel, I’m not going to say I’m sorry anymore. It’s not like I’m sick on purpose, or like I’m emotionally exhausted on purpose. I just am.

The moral of the story is to stop apologizing so much. I’m not going to be sorry that I feel bad, because that doesn’t fix anything. If anything, it makes it feel worse by making this whole thing seem like my fault. And, sure, some parts of it are, but focusing on the fault isn’t gonna fix anything. What’ll fix things is focusing on what can happen next, and how I can move forward. Sometimes that’s by taking sick time, and sometimes it’s not.

For me, it’s really hard not to apologize. I hate it when people comment on how I’m not at church (especially because sometimes it’s not my choice to go or not). If someone makes a comment on it, my first inclination is to never miss another day of church again. However, that’s a BAD REASON (and, yes, I am using caps as emphasis; DEAL WITH IT). What’s the point in going to church if you’re just trying to avoid people’s potentially stupid comments?

I get accountability. Accountability is good, and important, and sometimes we do need a kick in the butt to get back to church. But, if you’re thinking about making a “comment”, even if you’re trying to be funny, maybe consider why you’re making that comment. Even if you’re trying to be funny, sometimes it can really hurt someone.

On the flip side, those “comments”, are just people saying stuff. If they wanna choose to be rude to you, then that’s they’re problem. It’s not your responsibility to do ANYTHING (there I go again with the caps) to make them happy. Make sure, though, that you don’t hear them say, “Hey, I’ve been missing you at church lately. You okay?” And then think they’re saying, “Yo, what the heck? How come you’ve been lazy and skipping out?” It’s really easy to hear one thing, have it go through your emotional lens, and think someone’s saying something completely different just because you’re hurting (see here for more information on hurting people).