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I’ve been struggling a lot with singing on key. Not terribly, and rarely enough that anyone who isn’t super musical can tell, but I still know. And, I know that I’m doing it technically wrong.

Recently I performed, and I knew that I started a little off. There was no going back, it wasn’t bad enough to start over, so I tried to salvage what I could. You know what happened next? The same as always. People came up and told me it was great. Often I get frustrated by that, and I know some other musicians who get the same thing. I mean, “We know that it wasn’t how it was supposed to be, and we can do so much better. Stop telling us it was good.” However, I realized something after that performance that makes things a bit easier. It’s something almost all musicians know, but slowly forget over time.

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. My performance that I mentioned was at an organization called Olivia’s Gift. I was singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer because it was one of the resident’s favorite songs. Who freaking cares if I’m a little bit off? If people liked it, then it was kind of irrelevant.

That’s not to say key, etc., doesn’t matter. But, it’s important to remember why you make the music. Some people play just for the fun of it. That’s okay too. There are certainly some things I’ve learned just out of having fun. But, I often play for people. I play to inspire them, tell a story, or make them think. If you’re going to play for people it’s important to remember why you’re doing it.

This post is going to be a little different than usual, but I think it’s super cool and could help out a lot of other people who are in a similar position.

Four or five years ago I got bitten by a dog, thus leaving some pretty big scars. They’re sensitive to temperature (meaning they’ll start to hurt), some are still numb, and I hate when people touch some of them. They’re right on my arm, so generally I don’t like it when people grab my arm, or brush against it. I’ve been trying to find a solution to the temperature issue, and actually found a solution to both problems.

I bought (well, my mom bought) a compression sleeve. So far it not only keeps my arm warm, so it doesn’t ache, but it also feels like a new layer of skin. I haven’t had it very long, but it doesn’t bother me so much when people touch the more sensitive scars. My arm should be less sensitive to getting brushed against, as well.

I was hoping the sleeve would help with some of the pain I have near a primary nerve in my arm, but I’m not sure it applies enough pressure to that spot, or enough pressure in general.

So, if you’re like me, and could really use a new arm/ layer of skin, I highly recommend getting a compression sleeve. You shouldn’t wear them for long periods of time, but you can wear them for several hours each day (per my research on the interwebs).

I got mine from Amazon (in the winter camo because it looked like Bucky’s arm, from Winter Soldier; who wouldn’t want to have a robot arm?).

Sometimes I wonder how much I’m influenced by, “the people”. I started to notice it with my drawing, but it shows in other areas too.

I really like to watch videos online of people creating art. (Especially hyper realistic stuff.) I see it, and think, “If I wanna be a good, established artist, it has to look exactly like that. My art has to be what the world thinks is ‘good’ if I wanna make it.” So, I try and make something like that. I sit down, start drawing, and do one of two things:

1. Get frustrated because my drawing isn’t exactly the same (which it never will be because I’m not the artist who made that drawing in the first place)
2. Branch off into my own creative focus that turns what I started making into something that is completely unique; something based off my thoughts and skills, and is fueled by my passions and inspirations

There is a huge difference between being inspired by something, and conforming to what you think people want. It’s okay to look at a comic strip and think, “Hey, that’s cool. I’m gonna make one of those.” But, it’s not okay to think, “This has to look exactly the same to be called a comic strip.” Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but no one piece of art really looks the same. They may have similarities, but they’re also filled with flaws, and different, beautiful angles, that make them unique. Kinda like people.

A year ago I would’ve done the exact thing I’m telling you not to do. I wanted to be “good”, so I did what everyone else did. But, then I learned to stop caring. That’s why I stopped posting all my art on social media for a while. I didn’t want critics, or reviews. I knew everyone had their own opinions, and that there was a 50/50 chance I would get positive or negative feedback. So, I painted for me. I painted what I felt, and what I saw, and I didn’t care what anyone else thought. That way, it would truly be my art. And no one else’s.

At Halloween I decided I wanted to paint Starry Night, by Van Gogh. Ya know what happened? It didn’t turn out the same. It was filled with flaws, and imperfections. But I didn’t care. I just kept painting, and it felt great.

In Sunday School last week, one of the things we talked about was how God provides for us in ways we don’t always see. That’s why sometimes it seems like he’s doing nothing, when he’s actually doing a lot. That morning I got to see how that works first-hand. But, first, a little back story.

BACK STORY #1:

I had been having kind of a rough week. I’ve been tired, and emotional (not that I’m ever emotional), and it all just kinda snowballed without me knowing. My parents were gone on the weekend, and we stayed up pretty late, thus making me more tired and emotional. So, come Sunday, at church, I was a wreck. I didn’t feel well, I was exhausted, and I was dragging through the morning. I was sitting there in Sunday School, just kind of feeling like a little blob of ick (that’s a technical term, ya know), and I really wanted a hug. But, not just a regular hug. A warm, comforting, mom hug. Then, just when I needed her, in comes, a “mom”. We’ll get back to this after a little more back story.

BACK STORY #2:

This “mom” that I mentioned, I’ve known her for about five years. It wasn’t until recently that I really started to get to know her, and started to see her as a mom type person. I always knew I could go to her with anything, but never really had to until now. (Okay, back to the first back story.)

BACK STORY #1 (again):

I was sitting in my seat in Sunday School, looked over, and saw this mom type person in the back getting coffee. I decided to get up, and go get a hug. I was tired, I needed it, and it really helped.

Now that all the back story’s over, I can get to the point. The point is that God has a plan. This mom type person that I hugged, God had been working on our friendship for FIVE YEARS so that in this moment, when I needed someone, I would have them. Whenever you feel alone, or like God’s just not there, remember that every time you get a hug from someone who loves you, Christian or not, God is saying, “Hey. I’m here, and I love you. Keep going. You’ll be alright.”

When I first started seriously blogging I had a lot of views pretty much every day. (The most I ever got was thirty-five in one day.) When I took a break over the summer, I noticed my views dwindling. Which, I anticipated. Now I have a regular of five views pretty much only when I post. That sounds discouraging, I know. But, let me tell you why it’s not.

I don’t write for views. It was really cool seeing that people liked what I wrote, and I was hoping it helped/ encouraged people, but that wasn’t why I continued to write. I continued to write because it helps me remember things that I’ve gone through. It helps me sort out what’s in my head and find answers. It’s like taking the mess of facts and emotions in my head and editing it all down to a form that’s readable, and makes sense.

I also use my writing as a form of creative output. It’s kind of like what I said about the mess in my head. I take what I see, and feel, and write it down so people get a chance to see and feel it too.

Because writing is so natural to me, it’s a really easy way to process. It’s like giving a musician an instrument; or an artist a paintbrush. My writing taps into the emotional and creative energy that I have, and uses it to create beautiful things (although, they aren’t always beautiful). It takes what I have and uses it. And, if you tend to end up with a lot of it, like me, it really helps to have something to do with it. That way you don’t keep it all inside and just dwell on it over and over.

Today was long, and I’m tired, so today ya’ll get some pieces that I’ve done over the past few months. I’ve got a mix of graphite, charcoal, and white charcoal. I hope you like them! (Or not. It’s okay if you don’t.

 

Graphite:

 

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Charcoal:

 

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White Charcoal:

 

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I’ve always been the type of person to keep going as long as I can (which isn’t always very far, but I still try.) If I know something is important, and I know how to handle it, then I push as hard as I can. Like going cold turkey. However, I’ve learned that’s not always a good thing.

I’m really involved at my church, so I’m usually there two or three times a week. I’ve always done my best to be there whether I feel nauseous or not. I was determined not to let me nausea get in the way, so I would always push. Well, I’ve learned that isn’t always a good idea. If I take a break, get a chance to catch my breath, and come back next week, I’ll feel a lot better and be able to give my best.

I don’t like that I have to step back, but it’s important. I’m no use to anyone if I overextend myself and am just sick all the time.

It’s also important, though, to make sure you aren’t running from what hurts. If you have a cut, and it feels like it’s infected, but you’re too scared to pull off the bandaid because you know it’s gonna hurt, you’re never gonna be able to make that cut feel better. It’s gonna get worse, and worse, until it’s too big for you to handle on your own.

You can’t run from the problems that you have. As long as you leave that bandaid there, they’re gonna stay with you. If you want them to go away, you have to deal with them, but that doesn’t mean you need to deal with them alone, or all at once. Take baby steps. Eventually you’ll get there.

One of my favorite quotes is from an animated version of the Swan Princess. The prince tells her she’s beautiful. She asks, “What else?” And, like an idiot, he asks, “What else is there?” (His right hand man says, “You should write a book. How to insult a woman in four syllables or less.” That’s my actual favorite part, but not the point right now.) He was so focused on what was in front of him that he didn’t think to look for anything else. He didn’t think to look deeper.

I get into that same trouble a lot. One of my best friends I had known for years, and only about a year ago learned how awesome she is. When you’re starting a new friendship it’s really easy to think you’ve just figured people out. Especially with people you’ve known for a long time. You think you know everything about them, but it’s good to step back and look at them every once in a while. You never know how they’ve grown, or what they’ve learned. Sometimes it pulls you closer together, and sometimes it pulls you farther apart.

This post was really more supposed to be about people in general. Not just growing friendships. Especially people that are musicians, or artists, or even just people who are good at something specific. I don’t know about you, but I always kind of put those people up on a pedestal. Not intentionally, I just see them and kinda think they’re better than me because of what they can do. It’s stupid, I know, but bear with me.

With these people, up on their pedestals, we see a version of them that appears perfect. That’s hogwash. Those people that seem “so special” are just regular people. They laugh, they cry, they get frustrated. They don’t think they’re better than other people, and sometimes (more like always) they get tired of people thinking they do.

This post is about me learning that people are people, no matter what they do. The one thing they do isn’t they’re whole world (most of the time), it’s not all they do, or think about, even if it occupies most of their thoughts. People, are just people. And they’re usually pretty different from who you think they are.

Yesterday, during church, my pastor was talking about how God calls us to be thankful. Even in the difficult times. But, he doesn’t say we have to be thankful for the difficult times.

Good things can come from the bad, but that doesn’t mean we always see them right away, and sometimes it’s hard to keep going when we can’t see them. I know I say that a lot, but It’s important. I also don’t want anyone to think it’s okay to just slap that “I’m fine,” sticker on life, and call it good.

I haven’t had much luck lately in my ability to see the little things. So, I’m gonna write down twenty five things that I’m thankful for. Small or big, it’s important to see the areas in our lives where God is there, and where he does provide.

I’m Thankful for:

1. Snuggles
2. Pea soup on a cold day
3. That warm feeling you get when you’re really comfy
4. The confidence you have when you know you’re ready to keep fighting
5. My family
6. A clean room
7. “Mom” hugs
8. The people who remind me that they love me
9. My stuffed animals and my blanket
10. A really good book
11. Being able to comfort a friend
12. The people who push me, but who still give me a hug when I don’t feel like I can push anymore
13. The look people get on their faces when I surprise them with my art
14. How some of the little things I’ve done have really encouraged people
15. The people who say thank you
16. The people who treat me like family
17. All the kids who let me read to them at work or at church
18. The opportunity to work with kids
19. All the opportunities I’ve been given over the last few years
20. The joy of writing
21. The ability to put the ideas in my head down on a piece of paper; whether that’s through art, or writing
22. The ability to really think about something
23. The people who I know are always there for me
24. A good understanding of suffering
25. The ability to be there for people, and to love on them

This list really could be much longer. Last year I wrote a list that had fifty things, I think. If you’ve got time I would totally encourage you to sit down, and write out a few things that you’re thankful for. It might just be the perspective shift you need (I sure did).