Category: Old Posts

When I first started seriously blogging I had a lot of views pretty much every day. (The most I ever got was thirty-five in one day.) When I took a break over the summer, I noticed my views dwindling. Which, I anticipated. Now I have a regular of five views pretty much only when I post. That sounds discouraging, I know. But, let me tell you why it’s not.

I don’t write for views. It was really cool seeing that people liked what I wrote, and I was hoping it helped/ encouraged people, but that wasn’t why I continued to write. I continued to write because it helps me remember things that I’ve gone through. It helps me sort out what’s in my head and find answers. It’s like taking the mess of facts and emotions in my head and editing it all down to a form that’s readable, and makes sense.

I also use my writing as a form of creative output. It’s kind of like what I said about the mess in my head. I take what I see, and feel, and write it down so people get a chance to see and feel it too.

Because writing is so natural to me, it’s a really easy way to process. It’s like giving a musician an instrument; or an artist a paintbrush. My writing taps into the emotional and creative energy that I have, and uses it to create beautiful things (although, they aren’t always beautiful). It takes what I have and uses it. And, if you tend to end up with a lot of it, like me, it really helps to have something to do with it. That way you don’t keep it all inside and just dwell on it over and over.

Today was long, and I’m tired, so today ya’ll get some pieces that I’ve done over the past few months. I’ve got a mix of graphite, charcoal, and white charcoal. I hope you like them! (Or not. It’s okay if you don’t.

 

Graphite:

 

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Charcoal:

 

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White Charcoal:

 

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I’ve always been the type of person to keep going as long as I can (which isn’t always very far, but I still try.) If I know something is important, and I know how to handle it, then I push as hard as I can. Like going cold turkey. However, I’ve learned that’s not always a good thing.

I’m really involved at my church, so I’m usually there two or three times a week. I’ve always done my best to be there whether I feel nauseous or not. I was determined not to let me nausea get in the way, so I would always push. Well, I’ve learned that isn’t always a good idea. If I take a break, get a chance to catch my breath, and come back next week, I’ll feel a lot better and be able to give my best.

I don’t like that I have to step back, but it’s important. I’m no use to anyone if I overextend myself and am just sick all the time.

It’s also important, though, to make sure you aren’t running from what hurts. If you have a cut, and it feels like it’s infected, but you’re too scared to pull off the bandaid because you know it’s gonna hurt, you’re never gonna be able to make that cut feel better. It’s gonna get worse, and worse, until it’s too big for you to handle on your own.

You can’t run from the problems that you have. As long as you leave that bandaid there, they’re gonna stay with you. If you want them to go away, you have to deal with them, but that doesn’t mean you need to deal with them alone, or all at once. Take baby steps. Eventually you’ll get there.

One of my favorite quotes is from an animated version of the Swan Princess. The prince tells her she’s beautiful. She asks, “What else?” And, like an idiot, he asks, “What else is there?” (His right hand man says, “You should write a book. How to insult a woman in four syllables or less.” That’s my actual favorite part, but not the point right now.) He was so focused on what was in front of him that he didn’t think to look for anything else. He didn’t think to look deeper.

I get into that same trouble a lot. One of my best friends I had known for years, and only about a year ago learned how awesome she is. When you’re starting a new friendship it’s really easy to think you’ve just figured people out. Especially with people you’ve known for a long time. You think you know everything about them, but it’s good to step back and look at them every once in a while. You never know how they’ve grown, or what they’ve learned. Sometimes it pulls you closer together, and sometimes it pulls you farther apart.

This post was really more supposed to be about people in general. Not just growing friendships. Especially people that are musicians, or artists, or even just people who are good at something specific. I don’t know about you, but I always kind of put those people up on a pedestal. Not intentionally, I just see them and kinda think they’re better than me because of what they can do. It’s stupid, I know, but bear with me.

With these people, up on their pedestals, we see a version of them that appears perfect. That’s hogwash. Those people that seem “so special” are just regular people. They laugh, they cry, they get frustrated. They don’t think they’re better than other people, and sometimes (more like always) they get tired of people thinking they do.

This post is about me learning that people are people, no matter what they do. The one thing they do isn’t they’re whole world (most of the time), it’s not all they do, or think about, even if it occupies most of their thoughts. People, are just people. And they’re usually pretty different from who you think they are.

Yesterday, during church, my pastor was talking about how God calls us to be thankful. Even in the difficult times. But, he doesn’t say we have to be thankful for the difficult times.

Good things can come from the bad, but that doesn’t mean we always see them right away, and sometimes it’s hard to keep going when we can’t see them. I know I say that a lot, but It’s important. I also don’t want anyone to think it’s okay to just slap that “I’m fine,” sticker on life, and call it good.

I haven’t had much luck lately in my ability to see the little things. So, I’m gonna write down twenty five things that I’m thankful for. Small or big, it’s important to see the areas in our lives where God is there, and where he does provide.

I’m Thankful for:

1. Snuggles
2. Pea soup on a cold day
3. That warm feeling you get when you’re really comfy
4. The confidence you have when you know you’re ready to keep fighting
5. My family
6. A clean room
7. “Mom” hugs
8. The people who remind me that they love me
9. My stuffed animals and my blanket
10. A really good book
11. Being able to comfort a friend
12. The people who push me, but who still give me a hug when I don’t feel like I can push anymore
13. The look people get on their faces when I surprise them with my art
14. How some of the little things I’ve done have really encouraged people
15. The people who say thank you
16. The people who treat me like family
17. All the kids who let me read to them at work or at church
18. The opportunity to work with kids
19. All the opportunities I’ve been given over the last few years
20. The joy of writing
21. The ability to put the ideas in my head down on a piece of paper; whether that’s through art, or writing
22. The ability to really think about something
23. The people who I know are always there for me
24. A good understanding of suffering
25. The ability to be there for people, and to love on them

This list really could be much longer. Last year I wrote a list that had fifty things, I think. If you’ve got time I would totally encourage you to sit down, and write out a few things that you’re thankful for. It might just be the perspective shift you need (I sure did).

About five years ago my family started going to a new church, and it had a great youth group. Being so social, it didn’t take long for me to make some AMAZING friends. In 7th grade (my first year in youth group) I remember thinking about how sad I would be when I graduated high school, and I never thought there would come a day when I was ready to let it go. I wanted to hold onto my youth group as long as I could. Until now.

This is my last (and sixth) year of youth group. I remember dreading this year because it would mean the end, but it also means something else. On the very first day of youth group this year I stood there and just looked around the room. I looked at all the new faces. All the new 7th graders just starting, ready to make their mark the way that I, and multiple others, did. Everyone needs the chance to grow, and make an impact, and it’s their turn now. I had mine.

It’s interesting being one of the people that I always looked up to. I have no idea if anyone even does look up to me, but I know now that my job is to be an example. To be someone all of those new faces can look up to, and can come to if they need someone.

I love seeing the different ways people express themselves. Through art, music, writing, or even science. They all mean something. That thrill one might get from playing a really good piece is exactly the same as the thrill one gets from learning something new. I think that might be what hits me the most.

I’m an artist at heart. Always have been. When I see something truly beautiful I get giddy. (On occasion I’ll get so excited I hop up and down.) I always want people to be able to see what I see, and it rarely happens. I think part of that is because they aren’t meant too. If everyone only saw one kind of beauty, no one would ever see anything different. If my best friend didn’t love music so much I probably would’ve missed an entire window of beauty, and art.

Art isn’t just paintings. It’s the way trees flow in the wind; the way sound dances and sways through a room; the way one uses words to bring to life what lives in one’s head. There are so many beautiful versions of art, and we need each other to see them all.

I have a gift that allows me to see the joy in lots of things. I can learn how to do pretty much anything, so I can see first hand why someone might love (or really hate) something. I love being able to partake in what makes someone else so happy. Even if it’s just a glimpse.

I know I wrote last week about how it’s important to take breaks, but it’s also important to keep fighting. The battle doesn’t just stop because you need to take a breath. It’s important to come back to things, and not just table them for eternity. But, I do know how frustrating it can be to keep fighting. How hard it is to keep going when it seems like there’s not end. That’s why we need to count the wins.

With the nausea that I’ve been having I never actually get sick. Except for that one time… It Sunday morning, I’m about to go and check sound etc. for the offertory I said I would do, and I actually got sick. I really didn’t know what to do. My inclination was to just go home, but I knew I didn’t have the stomach flu or anything, so I should be fine to stay if I just kept a level head. I decided to stay for first service, and if I got any worse I’d go home. I knew everyone would understand if I had to back out. I kept calm, made it through both services, and did what I had to do. I didn’t back down, I moved forward, and I won.

In situations like those I tend to get discouraged for letting myself get so bad I feel sick, but this time was different. This time I was determined, and I was proud of what I had done. I didn’t let feeling sick keep me from doing what I had to do. This time, I won

I am a total freaking extrovert, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have days where I need to be alone. Even when I’m alone I usually still want a hug, but sometimes not even that.

Some friends of mine had me take the Enneagram test (it’s a personality test). I got a five, which meant that I was perceptive, innovative, secretive, and isolated. The full description is much less cold, and it fits me really well, but a friend of mine was surprised by the “isolated” part. When I’m really struggling, especially recently, I want nothing more than to be able to just step back, breath, and figure everything out with God.

Just because I’m a social person does not mean I don’t need my space. Everyone needs space. Some people just need less of it.

Lately life’s been hard. I’m doing my best to work it out, but some days you just don’t have as much strength as usual. And that’s okay. It’s important to keep going, and keep fighting, but it’s also important to make sure you stay alive in the process.

When I’m not feeling well I rarely give myself an out because I know it’s important to keep going, and not let my fear and anxiety get to me. Today I wasn’t feeling well, and I for once I actually had the choice to say no. If I said no it wouldn’t make a huge impact on other people, no one would be missing, so I chose no. I gave myself a break. I let myself breath. It was great. I know I’ll have to keep fighting the next day, and that’s okay. But for that day, I got a break.

There are so many things I could be doing, but I’m not sure which ones to do. I remember having ideas, and dying to do something with them, but now they’ve left me. That motivation has left, as well. I’m not really sure what the purpose of being in a rut is. I have an idea, though.

Often, when I’m in a rut, I simply want to sit around and do nothing. I sit there and look out a window, or sit outside and feel the wind blowing. I’ll just feel. I wonder if the point of a rut is God telling us we need to reset. Telling us to take a step back, observe, and maybe try something new. I personally love the days when I can sit and observe. I have all the time I need to just see, but I usually feel guilty about not doing something productive, so I don’t take advantage of it.

Being in a rut reminds me of when my cousins and I would get bored. When we were bored we did one of two things:

1. Fight and usually get ourselves in trouble
2. Or, make up some of the best games we’ve ever played

I think, if channeled correctly, being in a rut can help you make up the “games” you need to get yourself moving. You just need to know how to use it correctly (which I do not… yet).

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with a rut, and I’m just making this up as I go, but, if you’re in a rut of any kind, I definitely encourage you to just stop and think. Take a step back and observe what’s going on. Look at the earth. Smell the cool autumn breeze. Maybe what you need has been right in front of you this whole time, you just didn’t know that you were supposed to look.