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About five years ago my family started going to a new church, and it had a great youth group. Being so social, it didn’t take long for me to make some AMAZING friends. In 7th grade (my first year in youth group) I remember thinking about how sad I would be when I graduated high school, and I never thought there would come a day when I was ready to let it go. I wanted to hold onto my youth group as long as I could. Until now.

This is my last (and sixth) year of youth group. I remember dreading this year because it would mean the end, but it also means something else. On the very first day of youth group this year I stood there and just looked around the room. I looked at all the new faces. All the new 7th graders just starting, ready to make their mark the way that I, and multiple others, did. Everyone needs the chance to grow, and make an impact, and it’s their turn now. I had mine.

It’s interesting being one of the people that I always looked up to. I have no idea if anyone even does look up to me, but I know now that my job is to be an example. To be someone all of those new faces can look up to, and can come to if they need someone.

I love seeing the different ways people express themselves. Through art, music, writing, or even science. They all mean something. That thrill one might get from playing a really good piece is exactly the same as the thrill one gets from learning something new. I think that might be what hits me the most.

I’m an artist at heart. Always have been. When I see something truly beautiful I get giddy. (On occasion I’ll get so excited I hop up and down.) I always want people to be able to see what I see, and it rarely happens. I think part of that is because they aren’t meant too. If everyone only saw one kind of beauty, no one would ever see anything different. If my best friend didn’t love music so much I probably would’ve missed an entire window of beauty, and art.

Art isn’t just paintings. It’s the way trees flow in the wind; the way sound dances and sways through a room; the way one uses words to bring to life what lives in one’s head. There are so many beautiful versions of art, and we need each other to see them all.

I have a gift that allows me to see the joy in lots of things. I can learn how to do pretty much anything, so I can see first hand why someone might love (or really hate) something. I love being able to partake in what makes someone else so happy. Even if it’s just a glimpse.

I know I wrote last week about how it’s important to take breaks, but it’s also important to keep fighting. The battle doesn’t just stop because you need to take a breath. It’s important to come back to things, and not just table them for eternity. But, I do know how frustrating it can be to keep fighting. How hard it is to keep going when it seems like there’s not end. That’s why we need to count the wins.

With the nausea that I’ve been having I never actually get sick. Except for that one time… It Sunday morning, I’m about to go and check sound etc. for the offertory I said I would do, and I actually got sick. I really didn’t know what to do. My inclination was to just go home, but I knew I didn’t have the stomach flu or anything, so I should be fine to stay if I just kept a level head. I decided to stay for first service, and if I got any worse I’d go home. I knew everyone would understand if I had to back out. I kept calm, made it through both services, and did what I had to do. I didn’t back down, I moved forward, and I won.

In situations like those I tend to get discouraged for letting myself get so bad I feel sick, but this time was different. This time I was determined, and I was proud of what I had done. I didn’t let feeling sick keep me from doing what I had to do. This time, I won

I am a total freaking extrovert, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have days where I need to be alone. Even when I’m alone I usually still want a hug, but sometimes not even that.

Some friends of mine had me take the Enneagram test (it’s a personality test). I got a five, which meant that I was perceptive, innovative, secretive, and isolated. The full description is much less cold, and it fits me really well, but a friend of mine was surprised by the “isolated” part. When I’m really struggling, especially recently, I want nothing more than to be able to just step back, breath, and figure everything out with God.

Just because I’m a social person does not mean I don’t need my space. Everyone needs space. Some people just need less of it.

Lately life’s been hard. I’m doing my best to work it out, but some days you just don’t have as much strength as usual. And that’s okay. It’s important to keep going, and keep fighting, but it’s also important to make sure you stay alive in the process.

When I’m not feeling well I rarely give myself an out because I know it’s important to keep going, and not let my fear and anxiety get to me. Today I wasn’t feeling well, and I for once I actually had the choice to say no. If I said no it wouldn’t make a huge impact on other people, no one would be missing, so I chose no. I gave myself a break. I let myself breath. It was great. I know I’ll have to keep fighting the next day, and that’s okay. But for that day, I got a break.

There are so many things I could be doing, but I’m not sure which ones to do. I remember having ideas, and dying to do something with them, but now they’ve left me. That motivation has left, as well. I’m not really sure what the purpose of being in a rut is. I have an idea, though.

Often, when I’m in a rut, I simply want to sit around and do nothing. I sit there and look out a window, or sit outside and feel the wind blowing. I’ll just feel. I wonder if the point of a rut is God telling us we need to reset. Telling us to take a step back, observe, and maybe try something new. I personally love the days when I can sit and observe. I have all the time I need to just see, but I usually feel guilty about not doing something productive, so I don’t take advantage of it.

Being in a rut reminds me of when my cousins and I would get bored. When we were bored we did one of two things:

1. Fight and usually get ourselves in trouble
2. Or, make up some of the best games we’ve ever played

I think, if channeled correctly, being in a rut can help you make up the “games” you need to get yourself moving. You just need to know how to use it correctly (which I do not… yet).

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with a rut, and I’m just making this up as I go, but, if you’re in a rut of any kind, I definitely encourage you to just stop and think. Take a step back and observe what’s going on. Look at the earth. Smell the cool autumn breeze. Maybe what you need has been right in front of you this whole time, you just didn’t know that you were supposed to look.

I really love people, but sometimes that comes back to bite me. One of my biggest struggles is sitting back and watching people wrestle through their struggles. It’s taken me a while (sixteen years or so), but I finally figured out the good in STAYING AWAY.

It’s really easy for me to put everything I have into the lives (and struggles) of other people. And, I mean everything. All I’ll think about is someone else’s struggles and how to fix them. It completely wears me down, and usually does nothing but make more pain for both parties. Something I’ve been learning over the last year is how to back off. At first, it made no sense. Why wouldn’t I want to make other people’s lives better? Well, this is why:

• I can’t live my own life if I’m always worn down
• Other people won’t learn the lessons that come with their struggles if I fix them
• Sometimes we need to face things ourselves to really feel the weight of what’s going on
• It’s impossible to change someone else’s mind

That last one is probably one of the main reasons I quit. People are like sheep. They’re never going to change what they’re doing until they realize for themselves what needs to be done. Even if it makes total sense to me, no amount of convincing will make someone change their mind.

So, after stopping trying to fix everything (that was never mine to fix anyway), I’ve felt great! No longer am I always thinking about “problems”, or feeling stressed, or emotionally out of it. Mainly, I don’t feel so much weight. I don’t feel like I have to fix things. Obviously there are still times when I want to fix things, and when I feel the burden, but then I give it to God and say, “I’ve already seen countless times how I can’t fix/ change anything. So, I’m giving it to you, because I know that eventually you’ll help them see the wisdom they need.”

Here’s where my inner “mom” comes out. I hate sitting back and watching. I’m pretty sure anyone who’s a mom can agree that it’s hard to watch your kids learn something the hard way because they wouldn’t listen. But, I think they can also agree that it needs to happen. Some of the best lessons are the ones we learn on our own. It’s like reading about something versus doing it. In the end, which will give you more experience?

When I was younger I always wanted to be somebody big. Someone known for doing something (specifically, something important, but I’d take what I could get). I wanted to be a musician, or an artist, that made and did great things. Well, now I am, and I’ve relearned some interesting things.

This month is Inktober (where you draw something once a day in ink), and I’ve gotten a lot of views and a lot of great feedback. I’m sick of it. All I ever hear from people is how great my art is, and it’s nice, but I don’t always see it that way. Sometimes I’m not crazy about what I come up with, and it’s just annoying to get good feedback.

It’s the same with my music. I’ve never gotten bad feedback from my music. And, while it’s nice to hear that people like it, it would be cool to know what else. Did it inspire you? Did it mean anything to you? I’m also not crazy about the attention. I think I would like playing for people a lot more if I didn’t get so much.

The point, here, is that it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be. I thought once I had these things I’d mean something, but I learned that’s not the case. What we do doesn’t define us, it’s WHO WE ARE. I’ve heard this so many times in my life, and was convinced I knew it already, but sometimes we need reminders of what truly matters.

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I finished reading through Ecclesiastes in my devos this week. I know it’s one of the most depressing books of the Bible, but I actually really liked it. It shifted my perspective on life. It changed why I put so much effort into the things I do, and it helped me prioritize what really matters most.

I never wanted to waste my life. I wanted to use the free time I have now for something useful, because I knew I wouldn’t have much time in college. This was definitely NOT the fun option. It seemed like a good idea, and it seemed like a good discipline to be spending my time this way, but I never liked doing it. While I was reading Ecclesiastes I found a verse that reminds us that all things were created by God, and we need to enjoy these gifts as well. GOD CREATED THE FUN STUFF. Work, and learning, are good. They benefit us. But so does watching a movie on a Friday night; or hanging out with your friends; or maybe even just doing random stuff with your family. The fun things are important. They give us a break from all the hard things and remind us that there’s good in the world.

What I’ve been trying to work on is balance. The balance between the fun stuff, and the not so fun. Both are important, and God didn’t intend for us to live life without either one.

I am my worst critic. Everyone is their worst critic. In their music, in their art, or their writing. To us, our stuff is just plain bad. It will never be “as good” as something anyone else ever makes, or writes. You know the interesting thing, though? It never will be.

Continue reading “I Am The Worst”