Category: Old Posts

Artists

I watched a really interesting movie the other day. It was called, Saving Mr. Banks. It’s about the author of Mary Poppins, Pamela Travers, and the story of how she worked with Disney to make a movie about her books.

Initially, she turned down Disney for years. She knew they would take her books and turn them into some ridiculous cartoon. However, what we see throughout the entire movie is, why she thought they would ruin it.

As the story unfolds we see different people take the characters Pamela wrote, and design them in their own way. At one point in the movie she runs off when she sees their depiction of Mr. Banks. Some would say she’s just being stubborn, because she’s not getting her way. But, if you look closer, you realize there’s more to it.

I called this post “Artists” because it’s about how much artists put into their work. Pamela Travers was so upset when she saw them depict Mr. Banks as a terrible father because she created him based off of her father. According to the movie (Saving Mr. Banks), nearly everything in Mary Poppins (the book) was based off her childhood. The good, and the bad. She poured everything she had learned as a child into that book. This movie (Saving Mr. Banks) wasn’t about how Mary Poppins was made. It was about the story of a woman who held onto her past, and eventually learns to let it go, and not let it control her. It’s not about the art, it’s about the story.

My best friend probably likes my art more than anyone, and I could never figure out why. To me, it’s just art. It’s no different than anything else. I asked her once why she liked it so much, and she said it was because there was a piece of me in each piece I created. And, she was right. Each piece I make is influenced by what’s going on in my life, or something that’s happened before. My art is about me, and the stories I have to tell.

Artists are really more like visual authors. That’s why the best art is the art that tells a story, or has some sort of meaning. Once you have something you’re trying to convey, it just sort of pours out of you. Everyone has their own way of telling their stories. For Pamela Travers, it was writing. For me, it’s art.

Contentment

I’m the type of person who always looks ahead. I try to intentionally make choices that will benefit my future, and that usually means pushing myself. A lot. I think, “Oh, I could start a business. That would be cool. Then I’ll have more money for college and more experience.” But, I never stop myself and remember that I’m a kid. There’s a reason not many kids start their own businesses.

I’ve been learning lately about when to know when to do things. Like, when deciding whether I should do something or not, bringing in the factor of “stage of life”. Every day we have opportunities to do things that could affect us in the long run, but we need to pick and choose which ones we’re going to take up. We don’t always have to stay focused on our future. Sometimes we can just choose to be a kid (or a kid at heart) and have some fun, or just continue to enjoy what we have now. Improving is good, and it’s important, but not everything has to be constantly improved all the time.

Say, I went to college, got my teaching degree, and was a preschool teacher somewhere. I spent my days teaching my kiddos and having a fantastic time. That’s okay. Nothing needs to be harder, I don’t need to stretch my comfort zone, or make life harder for myself. Sometimes it’s okay to just be content.

I think the reason I have it stuck in my head that “being content” isn’t okay is because it’s easy to get stuck in being content. Sometimes it’s good to stretch ourselves, and get out of our comfort zone; and sometimes it’s good to enjoy being content with what God’s given us. Everything has a place, and I’ve been learning where those places are. It’s all about moderation, and having a good understanding of when it’s time to stretch, and when it’s not.

Getting Up

Some days one of the hardest things you can do is get out of bed. There have been multiple days where I just wanted to avoid the entire world and hide in my wonderful, comfy, perfect cave of blankets and safety. However, just because it seems like a good idea, doesn’t mean it is.

There was one day where I just felt bad; both emotionally and physically. I stayed in bed until ten A.M., and my day didn’t get any better. I just continued to feel worse, and, I didn’t really get anything done that day. Nothing got worse (aside from the fact that I was wallowing in my own emotions), but nothing got better, either.

To avoid another day where I just wallowed and felt terrible, I decided to make sure that I made myself get up every day and get to work. It didn’t have to be a ton of work, but, by making myself get up, I gained a whole new state of mind. I’m awake, and at least ready to be productive, if that’s what I chose to do.

All good choices aside, I totally understand the want to just avoid the world. I’m not nearly as depressed as I once was, but I still have days when I feel like total crap. Life is hard, people are hard, and my bed is comfy and warm. Sometimes, life sucks. But we still need to get up and face it. It’s like I said before. Nothing gets worse, but nothing gets any better, either.

A friend asked me the other day if they could just avoid the hard stuff, and I told them no. I told them that if they avoided this new challenge in their life, they’re missing out on an opportunity to learn something, and to grow, and to be stronger in the end. I have to remind myself of that quite often…

I tend to have two speeds, depending on my mood. I either eat fear for breakfast, or, I hide from everything remotely terrifying.

FOMO

FOMO is an acronym for Fear Of Missing Out. Basically, it means you do everything, and work your butt off, so that you don’t miss out on anything that could be fun.

When you have FOMO, you tend to push yourself to the limit. You think, “Oh, I can do one more thing. No problem!” Thinking it’ll be great, when, in reality, you’re just pushing yourself so hard you can’t enjoy it. You can’t enjoy anything because you’re so exhausted all the time.

There can be two different types of FOMO. Some people have regular old FOMO, and don’t want to miss out on the fun. But, some people can have a type that’s more service based. You’re pushing yourself so hard because you have this mindset that it’s okay to push too hard to help others.

I really struggle with the second type. Sometimes, life is just busy. That doesn’t mean you have type two FOMO, it just means you’ve got things to do. I get that. However, sometimes it really is just FOMO, and you don’t have to do all the things you think you do.

I was sitting in church one day, looked over my shoulder, and saw our pastor’s wife walking along holding a baby (she had just come out of the nursery). I was thinking about how, so often, pastor’s families do EVERYTHING in the church. Not because they think they have to, just because they’re good at serving others. I know a few pastor’s kids who are so busy with helping in the church that they’re rarely in church, or Sunday school. They take on every job, or need, just because they can. And some, because they’re the “pastor’s kid”. I get wanting to help, and it’s really great, but no one person should be solely responsible for serving.

If we, who have FOMO, sign up for everything, thinking no one else will, then it is definite that NO ONE ELSE WILL. Our FOMO is an option. When it comes to service based FOMO, or regular FOMO. We can choose to say, “That’d be super cool to go to, but I have some stuff I already had planned, so I’ll just stick with that.”

Self-care is important. When I realized I had service based FOMO, I realized that by pushing myself so hard to serve others, I was actually being a hinderance. I was so tired that I couldn’t serve well in general. I was doing the opposite of what I had been trying to do, and hurting myself in the process.

We don’t have to give in to either type of FOMO. If you’re afraid of disappointing someone because you have to tell them you can’t serve in the area they’re asking, remember that a true friend, who loves you, will understand and want what’s best for you. And, if they are just mad at you, then you don’t have to take any of they’re crap. Their happiness is NOT your responsibility.

My “Play-Doh” Plan

I had this smart, cost-efficient, reasonable plan that I thought was exactly what God wanted me to do. It’s not like I just made a plan myself and expected it to go well; I tried my best to listen to God, and then tried to build a plan for what he wanted me to do about college. It was great, smart, and really seemed to fit. And then it didn’t.

I called it my “Play-Doh” plan because I knew it needed to be flexible and moldable. I mean, my plan was six years long. I knew things would change here and there. I just didn’t expect so many big changes… My plan was a beautifully orchestrated plan. There was absolutely nothing wrong with it. Except, that I held too close to it. I mean, not unreasonably, I don’t think. I was excited about the next stages of life, and finally ready to take it all on (I wrote about it in my post, “Let’s Talk College”).

When I created my plan, it all made sense. I love kids, and people, and was passionate about sharing the gospel, so it made sense to be a missionary. What I was hoping was to travel the world, make new friends, and teach something somewhere. I didn’t exactly know how I’d do it, but that’s what I wanted to do. Right now, I’m looking at maybe backing off from the idea of being a missionary. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t still do all those things that I wanted to.

My want to teach, and work with kids, and people, will never change. It’s a part of who I am, and whatever I choose to do in college will not change that want (I mean, I’ve been doing all of those things my entire life anyway). What I discovered, is that vocation is kind of irrelevant. Yes, I want to have a job I love, and that I’m good at. But, life isn’t about jobs.

We’re taught from such a young age that everything we do is prep for college. We go to school, grow up, go to college, and then after college is when our lives “start”. Well, that’s not how I’m gonna do it. I’m not gonna wait for college for my life to start. I mean, I’ve already done some incredible things without having gone to college (being that I was just a kid).

I don’t want college to be my main focus in life. Everything I’m working towards is not so I can get into college, or have a good career. It’s so that I can live the life God intended me to live, and love people, and reach out to them. That’s what I wanted to do through my mission work plan, and there’s no way anything’s gonna stop me from doing it in any other position. If that’s truly what I love, I should have no trouble doing it anywhere, or any place.

The Truth

When someone comes to me (clearly upset) and they ask for help, I’ve started to try to be really honest with them. Here’s an example question:

“I’m so nervouse/upset about this situation that’s coming up. I’m afraid I’ll fail. What if I screw up or totally fail?”

Some people would answer with, “Oh, no. You’ll do great.” Like, there’s no chance anything could go wrong. Well, news flash, there’s a ton of things that could go wrong.

In some situations, everything actually is fine, the person really doesn’t have anything to worry about, and they’re just freaking out over nothing. However, in others, they’re not actually prepared and they know it. Lying to someone by just saying, “You’ll do great,” is giving them this false sense of confidence. I’m not saying it’s bad to encourage them that way, but, when there are legitimate things to be nervous about, just ignoring them and hoping for the best doesn’t always work. In either situation, whether there are things to be nervous about or not, I try to help them (and myself) think about the realities of the situation.

I’m nervous pretty much every time I have an offertory to do at church. Not super nervous, I just know there are so many things that could go wrong no matter the amount of practice I have. Now, I can’t control what happens. The amount of worrying I do can only make my performance worse. So, something I try to do when I’m nervous and about to perform, is think about the lies and the truths. Observe:

Lie:

If I screw up, then I’ll never hear the end of it

Truth:

If I screw up, probably no one will remember, or really care

In every situation involving fear, it’s really just a battle of truths vs lies. That’s why, instead of just trying to make someone “feel better”, I try to help them see that they don’t have to believe the lies their fears tell them. I’m definitely gonna encourage them when the time seems right, but the time isn’t always right. Just making them “feel better” is like putting a band-aid on a wound that really needs a couple stitches. If you show them how to ignore the lies their fear tells them, then, eventually, they’ll have a much easier time dealing with fears in general. They’ll be better at fighting fear.

What I’ve Been Up To

Before I said I didn’t want to post my art on social media so it wasn’t influenced by other people. However, I want to try and do more commissions, and who’s gonna want a commission if they don’t know what I’m capable of, right? (If you want a commission, hit me up. Also, I’ll be doing a post about it soon with more information.)

Something else I’ve been working on is just not caring about what other people say. Being an artist, and writer, I’ve gotta put my art somewhere. Instead of just avoiding comments I might not like, I want to learn how to just ignore them, and not let them get to me.

So, here’s some art I’ve been working on. (By the way, the two people in the dark are just blank figures. There is no nudity.)

Hugs and Thank Yous

Because of my love of hugs, I hug a ton of people. There are a lot of people at my church that I love, and that kinda feel like family, so I almost have a list of people that I hug whenever I’m at church. Nobody really thought anything of it, but recently I’ve gotten a few thank yous when I hug people.

Some people love hugs, but are too introverted to go up and hug someone. Sometimes people need someone who’s not afraid to break boundaries, because it can be harder for them to break those boundaries themselves. Or, sometimes we’re in a hard spot in life, but we don’t know how to talk about it, or we don’t want to talk about. So, when we get that hug, it’s kinda like someone’s saying, “Hey, I’m here for you, and I love you. Keep going.”

There are a lot of reasons someone could be thankful for a hug. I know I’m really thankful for hugs. I’m the type of person who does a really good job of not showing it when I’m hurting, or when I need help. Not that I won’t ask for help, I just don’t let what’s going on rule my life (on the outside). So, when I get a hug from someone, or when I give a hug, there are a few moments when I feel better. When I’m hugged, I feel loved, and supported, and like I’ve got people who are continuously supporting me.

I love it when people say thank you when I give them a hug. It’s like that’s the thing I can do to brighten someone’s day, or love them, or make them feel better. However, hugs aren’t always a huge deal to people, and some people don’t even like hugs.

I’m reading a book right now about Love Languages. I haven’t gotten very far in yet, but it’s really interesting. It’s explaining that not everyone gets love from the same things. Some people need words of affirmation, or physical touch. Everyone’s different, but this is something I can do to love on people, and it’s one of my favorite things in the world.

Skills

It was a delightful afternoon. I was sitting there, doing my math, and thinking, “Why couldn’t I have a useful skill?” I mean, not that I don’t like the skills that I do have, but why couldn’t I be good at math, or history, or science, or something that’d actually be useful in life?

My mom likes to joke about how my sister and I are both really good at all the things that are notorious for making people go broke. We’re good at art, music, photography, writing. Basically, if it’s impractical, we got it.

While I was doing my math, I wasn’t exactly annoyed; but I was sitting there wondering what the heck God was thinking when he made me. After the initial, “What the heck?!”, moment I had, I started to think about all things I can do that no one else can.

Through my art, I’ve really been able to reach people, and be raw with them, in a way I’ve never been able to before. I’ve been able to inspire people, and make them laugh, and show them beauty in so many different ways. I’ve been able to tell my story, and multiple others. I see the world differently, and through my art I can show people what I see. I can bring little joys into their lives.

I did a painting once that didn’t exactly turn out how I hoped, but I think it really became what it was supposed to.

It shows me swimming in a tranquil pool of my own thoughts, and creativity (that’s what the colors are). And, for all the sometimes my creativity is the exact opposite of what I need, it’s who I am, and it’s what I’m good at, and it’s what I’ve got to bring to the party. Everyone has their own stuff that they’re good at, and without everyone’s uniqueness, the world would be boring. It would become an unseasoned meal. So much potential to be tasty, but it’s just not there.

So, I decided to embrace my creativity and talents (not that I hadn’t already). I’m really good at what I do, and I’m really thankful for all the things I can do with it.

Relish the Moment

You may be wondering why, in my last post, I decided to take 1,152 words and tell you all about my weekend. Part of the reason was because there were so many things I was thankful for. But, I also wanted to remind myself of all the good things that happened.

Because my anxiety tends to run on the social side, it can be really hard to want to go out and do things that I used to love doing. I’m a social person, and the only thing keeping me from doing some of the things that I really love it to do, is fear. So, by talking about all the good things, and all the things that went well, I’m reminded of all the fun that could happen.

There are a lot of ways you could remember the good things. Most often I’ll text my bestie with something like, “I ate breakfast today!” Or I’ll journal about the good things from my day. Even just talking to myself about it and acknowledging that I’m okay really helps.

When life just feels awful all the time it can be really hard to get out of your own head. And, by, “out of your own head”, I mean escaping the fear that things will never get better. It’s so easy to get in the pattern of things being hard that you develop this mind-set that things will never be easy again. That everything will be scary, and everything will go wrong. And when you get stuck in that mind-set (at least, I did), I started to get more depressed, and more anxious, and I was in this vortex of never-ending pain. It just got worse and worse until I stood up, pulled on my big girl panties, and decided to get my butt off the couch and do something. Don’t get me wrong, it was really hard. It’s not like I stood up and was perfectly fine. It took a lot of hard work, and it still does.

I did some Googling and found out that part of the reason I could be feeling so bad is my schedule, and my diet. I hadn’t really had a good sleep schedule, with being anxious all the time eating was kind of a struggle (although I did still eat), and I’m notorious for not doing a good job of drinking water throughout the day. So, for me, “pulling up my big girl panties” meant making myself eat, making myself go to bed and get up at the same times, and making myself drink water. It was kinda hard to get a good schedule down, but it’s only been a week and a half of the schedule and it’s helped a lot. I’ve had little to no anxiety since last Friday, and it feels amazing. I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious, and *pause for dramatic effect* I’m happy about things. I’m actually excited to go see my friends, instead of curled up in a ball of tears and panic.

When I realized all this crap I’ve had to deal with over the last three years or so could’ve been fixed just like that, I was not excited. I mean, I was, because now it’s a pretty easy fix, but I was so shocked that it took me this long to even consider that my schedule could be at fault. It made me think about how easy it really is to sit in your own little rut, feeling bad for yourself, instead of trying to find answers. (I definitely did try to find answers as to why I felt bad, but there were also plenty of times I just wanted to lie in bed all day because I felt so defeated.)

Anxiety and depression are finicky little creatures. There are lots of different reasons you could be depressed, or anxious, and they all vary depending on the person. They don’t always have an easy fix. For me, it did (although I’m probably gonna have to fight it every now and then). For others, not so much; and I really feel you. I know what it’s like to feel your world spinning by and you have no idea how to make it stop. It sucks, and I’m sorry. But, you’re not alone. I really hope my journey through anxiety has helped at least one or two of you (if not more). My “journey” isn’t over, and it probably never will be. But, now I know some great ways to help myself, and others.

(Apparently I did another post similar to this one called Count the Wins.)