Category: Old Posts

Stupid Wisdom…

I’ve been told I’m a pretty wise person (especially for someone my age). Most of the time, I’m really proud of that. It keeps me out of trouble and it helps me make the right choices, which makes me pretty trustworthy. HOWEVER, sometimes I hate it. The right choices often aren’t the fun ones, or the easy ones, or the ones I want to pick. But, I know they’re the right choices, so, usually, I can’t help but make them. Sometimes my wisdom feels more like a curse than a blessing.

All in all, wise choices are the better ones. But, sometimes they suck. Like my choice about college. It’s smart, it’s wise, but I’m still sad, and still disappointed. That’s okay. No one ever said the right choices would be the fun ones. But, they’re still the right choices.

People go every day with making whatever choice they think is best, and rolling with it, weather it’s the best choice or not. You don’t have to make the wise choice. Sometimes you learn a lot from the less wise choice. The key, though, is to make the best choice you can, stand by it, and do everything you can to make the most out of it.

I think this post was more about me venting over having to make hard choices. So, for that, I apologize. However, this does go out to all the people that are making the wise choices (the hard choices) and don’t know that it’s okay to grieve over them. Something can be the complete right choice, and still feel awful. It’s okay to cry about it. It’s reasonable to cry about it, or grieve in whatever way you do. Just make sure you don’t stay in that area of grieving forever.

Let’s Talk College

For a long time I didn’t want to go to college. When I was little, I just thought, “College is hard. I don’t want to have to do chemistry.” (Yes, I know, little baby me did not understand that chemistry was the least of her worries.) So, for a long time, my plan was not to go to college. I was going to be an artist (this is the view of slightly older little baby me, who also didn’t understand how stinkin’ hard it is to actually sell art). The older I got, the more realistic things became, and I decided I wanted to go to college. There were things I wanted to do, and I knew I had to learn how to do them.

My biggest conundrum was leaving. I desperately didn’t want to leave my home, my family, or my friends. But, as I got older, I started to get used to the idea. After a long struggle with God, I eventually said, “Okay. Fine. I’ll go where you want me to go, and I’ll do what you want me to do.” Thus, leaving me excited to go to college next fall (after a good while of still getting used to the idea). I was so excited, and happy that I was finally okay with leaving, aaaaand then the ball dropped.

After looking at this next year, I realized that it would really be better for me to take a year off to save money for school, get my license, etc. The more good reasons I saw to stay, it seemed like God was telling me to wait another year. I was so disappointed. After wrestling so long with the idea of leaving, I could not understand why God was telling me to stay. However, at this point, I’m pretty used to God doing things that don’t make sense, and are kind of annoying, and aren’t what I want to do.

There are so many directions I could go with this post. I could talk about college, and why it isn’t always a good idea to go. I could talk about wise choices, and how sometimes they really suck. And, I could talk about how to cope when God pulls that rug out from under you, and you lie there, thinking, “God?! What the heck?!” That’s kind of where I’m at, at the moment. But, eventually you realize that you can’t lie on that rug forever, so you get up, and you walk down the road that God put you on. You keep going, and you try to find the good in the crazy road trip that you’re now on.

My 2018

My 2018 was interesting. My first thought is to say it was awful. But, looking back on it, I did some pretty cool things. Some things that will probably change my life for the better. I wanted to write them down so I don’t forget them, and so I don’t just remember the bad, stressful times.

January – (Apparently nothing big happened in January; I can’t be interesting all the time. 😉 )

February – I came to the realization that I wasn’t okay, and started the journey to getting okay.

March – I was brave enough to do my first offertory with my best friend; finished my first painting (which is still a huge hit somehow).

April – I got to celebrate the wedding of some super cool friends (which was my first wedding without my parents, being my first “big girl” wedding), and I got to do my second offertory with my bestie.

May – One of my besties and I stayed home alone for the weekend, Vacation Bible School set up at church started (including puppets, drama, and decorating), I started weekly movie night with my one of my other besties, and youth group finished for the summer.

June – VBS work days every Saturday, drama team meetings somewhere in there, and puppet team meetings; ALL the open houses, VBS week, and WordCamp GR that same weekend, where I spoke for the very first time.

July – My third offertory (which I believe I did by myself), and a week in Pennsylvania, at Summit University, for Teen Leadership Conference with my Youth Group.

August – I got to speak for the second time ever at WordCamp Jackson, MI, I got to scope out the town I may be going to for college in the fall, and I started a new job! I also stopped maintaining the social site I had been trying to build.

September – Turned 17, did an escape room with some friends for my birthday, and celebrated with another friend because we share a birthday; youth group started up again, and I went to my first big Halloween party with my cousins and sister.

October – Went on my first college visit, did my fourth offertory the day after (I really need to stop planning offertories after so many trips…), and officially joined my church’s puppet team.

November – Fifth offertory, got a fantastic new book, and went to comic con!

December – Had various parties celebrating Christmas, New Years, and “family” togetherness; was in a Christmas pageant with the puppet team (which was a huge hit), and babysat three little kids independently for the first time.

2018 was crazy, and hard, and fun, and a really great year. It prepared me for growing up. It taught me how to say no to things when I knew I couldn’t handle them. It reminded me that sometimes you just have an off day, and need some space. But, that you also need to go to others for help.

Throughout 2018 my artistic career really took off. I realized how much I loved art. And, I had the money, time, and freedom to learn a lot about it (thank you Bob Ross!).

It’s incredible how much you learn and grow in just a year. It may feel awful at the time, but when you get to the end, and look back at it, you realize it was all worth it.

Think

You know those times when you see someone doing something CRAZY like eating a food you don’t like, and actually enjoying it? Or, maybe someone doesn’t know something “obvious” so you comment about how they should’ve known it already? Well, these are all things people do, usually unintentionally, and they really suck on the receiving end.

The kinds of reactions I put above are pretty normal human being things. But to the person who might not know something, or maybe really likes to eat something you think is gross, is really hurt by the fact that you’re essentially calling them an idiot by those responses.

I’m not writing this to call anybody out, or make anyone feel bad. I’m writing this because most people respond that way unintentionally. I mean, I used to respond that way all the time, and I still do. What I want to keep from happening is people accidentally hurting others because they didn’t know how these responses affect other people. There have been plenty of times when some of my closest friends have made me feel like a total idiot by using those responses. I’m absolutely certain they didn’t mean to, but they still did. And it still hurt.

I think the goal here is to think about how what you’re saying might affect someone else. Instead of saying, “You didn’t know that? But you’re a senior in high school?” You could say, “Now you do get to know it!” It’s building each other up instead of beating each other down.

I brought this up because I’ve been seeing it a lot lately, and I wanted to show others who might not know they’re doing it. Not to tell them they have to change, but to show them something different so they have a choice. There was a week where I got those responses nearly every time I was around my friends. I knew they didn’t mean anything by it, but it hurt, and I was beat down. I really didn’t want to see, or hang out with, any of them. I needed some time to remind myself of the truths of the matter. Not what anyone else thought (even though they may not have been thinking it in the first place).

There Comes a Time

The hurt doesn’t last forever. It just doesn’t. Sometimes it takes a while, but if you’re actively trying to sort through it, and pray about it, then it won’t. There comes a time when you win. When you beat what comes at you in your weakest moments. When you defeat what drags you down. This year the greatest Christmas gift I got was being able to beat what’s been making me nauseous.

I knew my nausea was a mental thing. Like, I was so afraid of something that it would make me feel sick, but I didn’t know what I was afraid of. I felt stuck. How could I stop being afraid of something when I didn’t know what I was afraid of? I spent months agonizing. I wrote about a lot of it, too. I was angry, I was depressed, I was afraid to do anything because I knew I would feel nauseous. I was at a low.

Being at that low set me back. I let myself get too distracted by all the pain I was feeling that I couldn’t solve my problem. I was falling deeper and deeper into this pit of teenage emotions. Then, right around Christmas, something clicked. I knew what I had to do, and how to beat it. I knew how to finally win. I’m not normal, but I’m a lot closer to normal than I was before. I can feel it. I know something’s changed, and I know I’m gonna keep it that way.

Over the last few months I really started to give up on feeling normal again. It had been so long, and I tried everything I could think of, but it seemed to do nothing. It seemed like it would last forever. Everything that I figured out around Christmas proves that I was wrong. Our pain doesn’t last forever, and it doesn’t plague us like we think it does. Another example:

I’ve had a few nightmares about my dog bite. All of them included at least one dog trying to hurt me, and I almost always woke up breathing heavy, and feeling terrified. Those dreams always stuck with me for a few days, at least, and after four years I can still remember them. On Christmas eve I had a nightmare about 10-15 dogs chasing me, and trying to kill me. That should’ve been one of the worst dreams, right? Well, it wasn’t. I woke up Christmas morning feeling fine. Pretty much all the pain, and fear, I had about the dog bite in general had drifted away.

Perspective

I’ve been struggling a lot with singing on key. Not terribly, and rarely enough that anyone who isn’t super musical can tell, but I still know. And, I know that I’m doing it technically wrong.

Recently I performed, and I knew that I started a little off. There was no going back, it wasn’t bad enough to start over, so I tried to salvage what I could. You know what happened next? The same as always. People came up and told me it was great. Often I get frustrated by that, and I know some other musicians who get the same thing. I mean, “We know that it wasn’t how it was supposed to be, and we can do so much better. Stop telling us it was good.” However, I realized something after that performance that makes things a bit easier. It’s something almost all musicians know, but slowly forget over time.

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. My performance that I mentioned was at an organization called Olivia’s Gift. I was singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer because it was one of the resident’s favorite songs. Who freaking cares if I’m a little bit off? If people liked it, then it was kind of irrelevant.

That’s not to say key, etc., doesn’t matter. But, it’s important to remember why you make the music. Some people play just for the fun of it. That’s okay too. There are certainly some things I’ve learned just out of having fun. But, I often play for people. I play to inspire them, tell a story, or make them think. If you’re going to play for people it’s important to remember why you’re doing it.

Off Topic

This post is going to be a little different than usual, but I think it’s super cool and could help out a lot of other people who are in a similar position.

Four or five years ago I got bitten by a dog, thus leaving some pretty big scars. They’re sensitive to temperature (meaning they’ll start to hurt), some are still numb, and I hate when people touch some of them. They’re right on my arm, so generally I don’t like it when people grab my arm, or brush against it. I’ve been trying to find a solution to the temperature issue, and actually found a solution to both problems.

I bought (well, my mom bought) a compression sleeve. So far it not only keeps my arm warm, so it doesn’t ache, but it also feels like a new layer of skin. I haven’t had it very long, but it doesn’t bother me so much when people touch the more sensitive scars. My arm should be less sensitive to getting brushed against, as well.

I was hoping the sleeve would help with some of the pain I have near a primary nerve in my arm, but I’m not sure it applies enough pressure to that spot, or enough pressure in general.

So, if you’re like me, and could really use a new arm/ layer of skin, I highly recommend getting a compression sleeve. You shouldn’t wear them for long periods of time, but you can wear them for several hours each day (per my research on the interwebs).

I got mine from Amazon (in the winter camo because it looked like Bucky’s arm, from Winter Soldier; who wouldn’t want to have a robot arm?).

Finally

I’ve seen a lot of foster kids/ families over the last few years. I’ve seen families who’ve been fostering for years, and some who are still knew at it. I’ve seen how much love an entire family can give to one, or many, kids. I love it.

I started drawing something the other day that turned into something a whole lot better. I was trying to draw my best friend and I snuggling, because that’s one of my safe places. Eventually, that drawing turned into a little girl holding onto her foster dad. I was trying to channel the same kind of safety and warmth I get when I’m having a rough day. When I finally get that long hug I need, and everything feels better. It reminded me of one of the foster/ adopted kids I mentioned before.

There’s a lady at my church who fosters kids with special needs. One day she got one little baby who was (and still is) ADORABLE. Everybody loved him. Anytime I saw him I’d go over and try and get a little smile out of him, but I got nothin’. It wasn’t until one family from my church met him that things started to change.

As soon as they met him, this family kinda new they were gonna adopt him. They absolutely loved him. It didn’t take long after he was adopted for some little smiles to pop up here and there.

Now, I don’t know why I could never get a smile out of this kid. It might’ve been because he was so young, it certainly wasn’t because he wasn’t loved at his foster home (I know his foster momma, and she’s got a lot of love to share), but I do know that we change when we know we’re loved. When we have a family who cares about us.

I entitled this post Finally because the story of that little boy, and the story of a lot of other kids, reminds me that when you take the chance to love someone, you change their life. Even if it’s just for a little bit. Sometimes people, not just kids, need someone to go out of their way and finally love them the way they’ve been waiting for.

“Finally” – Sophia DeRosia

The People

Sometimes I wonder how much I’m influenced by, “the people”. I started to notice it with my drawing, but it shows in other areas too.

I really like to watch videos online of people creating art. (Especially hyper realistic stuff.) I see it, and think, “If I wanna be a good, established artist, it has to look exactly like that. My art has to be what the world thinks is ‘good’ if I wanna make it.” So, I try and make something like that. I sit down, start drawing, and do one of two things:

  1. Get frustrated because my drawing isn’t exactly the same (which it never will be because I’m not the artist who made that drawing in the first place)
  2. Branch off into my own creative focus that turns what I started making into something that is completely unique; something based off my thoughts and skills, and is fueled by my passions and inspirations

There is a huge difference between being inspired by something, and conforming to what you think people want. It’s okay to look at a comic strip and think, “Hey, that’s cool. I’m gonna make one of those.” But, it’s not okay to think, “This has to look exactly the same to be called a comic strip.” Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but no one piece of art really looks the same. They may have similarities, but they’re also filled with flaws, and different, beautiful angles, that make them unique. Kinda like people.

A year ago I would’ve done the exact thing I’m telling you not to do. I wanted to be “good”, so I did what everyone else did. But, then I learned to stop caring. That’s why I stopped posting all my art on social media for a while. I didn’t want critics, or reviews. I knew everyone had their own opinions, and that there was a 50/50 chance I would get positive or negative feedback. So, I painted for me. I painted what I felt, and what I saw, and I didn’t care what anyone else thought. That way, it would truly be my art. And no one else’s.

At Halloween I decided I wanted to paint Starry Night, by Van Gogh. Ya know what happened? It didn’t turn out the same. It was filled with flaws, and imperfections. But I didn’t care. I just kept painting, and it felt great.

How God Provides

In Sunday School last week, one of the things we talked about was how God provides for us in ways we don’t always see. That’s why sometimes it seems like he’s doing nothing, when he’s actually doing a lot. That morning I got to see how that works first-hand. But, first, a little back story.

BACK STORY #1:

I had been having kind of a rough week. I’ve been tired, and emotional (not that I’m ever emotional), and it all just kinda snowballed without me knowing. My parents were gone on the weekend, and we stayed up pretty late, thus making me more tired and emotional. So, come Sunday, at church, I was a wreck. I didn’t feel well, I was exhausted, and I was dragging through the morning. I was sitting there in Sunday School, just kind of feeling like a little blob of ick (that’s a technical term, ya know), and I really wanted a hug. But, not just a regular hug. A warm, comforting, mom hug. Then, just when I needed her, in comes, a “mom”. We’ll get back to this after a little more back story.

BACK STORY #2:

This “mom” that I mentioned, I’ve known her for about five years. It wasn’t until recently that I really started to get to know her, and started to see her as a mom type person. I always knew I could go to her with anything, but never really had to until now. (Okay, back to the first back story.)

BACK STORY #1 (again):

I was sitting in my seat in Sunday School, looked over, and saw this mom type person in the back getting coffee. I decided to get up, and go get a hug. I was tired, I needed it, and it really helped.

Now that all the back story’s over, I can get to the point. The point is that God has a plan. This mom type person that I hugged, God had been working on our friendship for FIVE YEARS so that in this moment, when I needed someone, I would have them. Whenever you feel alone, or like God’s just not there, remember that every time you get a hug from someone who loves you, Christian or not, God is saying, “Hey. I’m here, and I love you. Keep going. You’ll be alright.”