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Hurt People Hurt Other People

Being home schooled, I’ve spent my entire life hearing how “easy” I have things. All my friends have said it a time or two (or a lot), and then I just get disregarded. It sucks. Yeah, some things about being home schooled are easier, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy, and I’ve had to deal with some things the last few years that few people I know have ever had to go through. Being disregarded, and being told I have life “easy”, really hurt. Over the years it’s made me really defensive about things, and it’s made me want to shut people out. It’s made me angry.

I was talking with a friend last night, and she said something that set me off. She didn’t mean to be hurtful, but it hurt. And, because I was hurt, I was angry. I told her that, and that I needed some time to cool off. I spent most of the night hurt and angry, and I didn’t like it. I think it’s because I knew that if we had had that conversation in person, and not over text, it could’ve been a lot worse simply because I was hurt. I was thinking some not so cool things about my friend, and I don’t know if I would’ve said them or not if we were in person.

When I woke up this morning, after I had cooled down, I realized just how easy it is for hurt people to hurt other people. I hated the idea of potentially hurting my friend just because I let my emotions get the better of me. It seems so stupid to hurt someone else because of MY situation. But, it happens. This morning my friend told me she kind of did the same thing to me, and we talked it out.

I think more often than not there’s more to the story when someone’s upset. If someone is just being a butt, and you don’t understand why, take a sec and ask them. Don’t retaliate, don’t feed their anger, just take a sec and listen. Dig deeper. It’s like a cranky little kid. You could punish them for being cranky, or you could put them down for their nap because they’re WAY tired, and that’s what’s actually wrong.

Emotions are deceptive. That’s what makes them so tricky. Often when something’s wrong, or something’s going on that I can’t really make sense of yet, I get angry. I don’t know why, but I do. I’ll walk through my house being this little ray of hate until I get things figured out. It’s easy to fix the surface problem and just say, “I should stop being angry.” But I’m not going to stop being angry until I figure out what’s making me angry.

So, to recap:

  • Emotions are deceptive; if someone is angry, or upset, and you don’t know why, ask them about it; don’t just retaliate
  • Hurt people hurt people; if you don’t want to hurt the people around you, you gotta work through what’s hurting you (or learn to let it go); if anything, know what hurts you so that when you’re hurt, you can take some time to cool off before talking about it

Plan B

I’m a planner. I like being prepared, and knowing what I’m doing. I like being able to look forward to what’s ahead. That’s great most of the time, but not all the time. A lot of things this year haven’t turned out the way I hoped. I know we’re just at the start, but my plans have already changed.

With everything that’s been going on, I’ve been kinda down. Not necessarily depressed, but I haven’t been excited about these changes to my plan. I don’t like them. But, they’re what I have, and I can do one of two things with them:

  1. Sulk, and spend forever sulking because I don’t have what I want.
  2. Use what I have and make the most out of it.

I kinda came to the realization that I was stuck in “sulkville” when we had puppets last Sunday (there were a few other things God was slapping me with, but I can’t remember them at the moment).

The ENTIRE puppet skit was about looking for the good in our situations. One of the puppets was explaining to his friends why he had a sling, and a bandage on his head, and foot. So many bad things happened to him, but, after every situation he told them about, he had something good to say about it.

Lately I’ve really lost my touch when it comes to “looking for the good”. I can coach anyone on how to do it, and I still know how to, but I keep forgetting to actually do it. I’m letting myself only think about what I don’t have, and what’s gonna happen later, and what I’m afraid of. I’m forgetting to look around me and see what’s actually there. I have a family who loves me, amazing friends, and a God who won’t leave me when I need him, or when I screw up. I have mom hugs, and hugs from my kids at work, and flowers, and clouds, and the color blue. I have music, and dancing, and art.

I think, to remind myself to enjoy the good, I’m going to post something I’m thankful for every day (if not a few things). Just a short little “I’m thankful for: …”, but I think it’ll remind me to focus on the good instead of all the bad.

My Way

I read something interesting about Jim Hensen on Facebook this morning. The post said that Jim had no training when he started doing the Muppets on TV, and he that had barely any experience with puppets in general. It said he basically made it up as he went, and learned from each trial that came his way.

The post was from a home school mom I follow. She shared it to point out that, when you’re home schooling, you can make things up as you go. You aren’t exactly following any else’s example, like the public school system generally does, so you have freedom to do things your way. You learn how you work, and sometimes you learn a new, better way to do things. Jim Hensen made it up as he went, and look at where the Muppets are today.

I really want to enter ArtPrize in 2020. I’ve only been drawing and painting for a year and a half, so I really doubted my abilities. I wasn’t sure I had enough skill to enter (keeping in mind that I will have two more years of experience when I enter). However, my art, and pretty much everything else I’ve done, has always been my style. It’s been different, and when I try to paint what other people want, or what’s “popular”, I usually bomb. It just doesn’t look how it “should”, and I get discouraged. That’s because it’s not mine. I learned that painting, or “arting”, as I like to call it, isn’t about what people want. It’s about sharing what you see, and how you see it. I wanted my art to have all my imperfections, be from my heart, and my mind, and be as unique as me. Nothing I ever do will look like what’s “popular” because I wasn’t the one who made it popular. I can’t replicate what someone else has done (yet 😉 ).

So, I’m going to enter ArtPrize, despite what my art may or may not look like. I have a story I want to tell, and a dream to fulfill. I’m going to enter what I’m happy with, and what I’ve put my whole heart into.

Poster

I made myself my very own inspirational poster. (See below.)

It’s based off a verse from the song, “Towards the Sun,” by Rihanna. The verse is, “Turn your face towards the sun. Let the shadows fall behind you.”

I’ve been trying to let go of whatever anxiety, or fear, that I’ve been having because usually I don’t know why I’m feeling what I do. So, I try to just block it out, and let it go. The verse from the song, and the painting, remind me to just let it all go. All my fears, all my struggles, are the shadows that fall behind me. And that’s all they are. Just shadows.

I Know My Limits

Sometimes you just need to stop. That’s okay. Sometimes, after a long week, you just need to take some time to rest, and heal.

I’d been feeling kind of off all last week. My mom thought we’d been kinda sick, but I felt mostly fine, so I did most of the things I had planned. Then, come Friday, I felt pretty bad. Both physically, and emotionally. I knew I needed some time to stop, and reset, so I chose not to plan anything for the weekend. I wanted some time to clear my head, and just rest. This post is about knowing when to rest when life is difficult.

I’m still dealing with a little anxiety when I go out and do things with people, so going out and doing things can be pretty hard. I haven’t stopped doing them, and I’m not hiding from them because they’re hard. I’m just taking a rest. It’s like training for a marathon (not that I’ve done that). You don’t train 27/7 until that marathon. You train slowly, taking breaks when you need them, so that you aren’t completely exhausted, and sometimes in more pain than you started with, come race day.

Something I’ve been learning through this whole process is self-care. Being a natural extrovert, I’ve always been inclined to go out and do anything with anyone no matter how I felt. That doesn’t always work. As a kid, it kind of does, but the older you get the bigger your struggles are. The more you need time, and space, to stop and think. To evaluate the things that are going on.

You know your limits. Sometimes it’s good to push them, but make sure you don’t push too much and hurt yourself more in the process. Everyone needs time to stop and heal every once in a while.

Stupid Wisdom…

I’ve been told I’m a pretty wise person (especially for someone my age). Most of the time, I’m really proud of that. It keeps me out of trouble and it helps me make the right choices, which makes me pretty trustworthy. HOWEVER, sometimes I hate it. The right choices often aren’t the fun ones, or the easy ones, or the ones I want to pick. But, I know they’re the right choices, so, usually, I can’t help but make them. Sometimes my wisdom feels more like a curse than a blessing.

All in all, wise choices are the better ones. But, sometimes they suck. Like my choice about college. It’s smart, it’s wise, but I’m still sad, and still disappointed. That’s okay. No one ever said the right choices would be the fun ones. But, they’re still the right choices.

People go every day with making whatever choice they think is best, and rolling with it, weather it’s the best choice or not. You don’t have to make the wise choice. Sometimes you learn a lot from the less wise choice. The key, though, is to make the best choice you can, stand by it, and do everything you can to make the most out of it.

I think this post was more about me venting over having to make hard choices. So, for that, I apologize. However, this does go out to all the people that are making the wise choices (the hard choices) and don’t know that it’s okay to grieve over them. Something can be the complete right choice, and still feel awful. It’s okay to cry about it. It’s reasonable to cry about it, or grieve in whatever way you do. Just make sure you don’t stay in that area of grieving forever.

Let’s Talk College

For a long time I didn’t want to go to college. When I was little, I just thought, “College is hard. I don’t want to have to do chemistry.” (Yes, I know, little baby me did not understand that chemistry was the least of her worries.) So, for a long time, my plan was not to go to college. I was going to be an artist (this is the view of slightly older little baby me, who also didn’t understand how stinkin’ hard it is to actually sell art). The older I got, the more realistic things became, and I decided I wanted to go to college. There were things I wanted to do, and I knew I had to learn how to do them.

My biggest conundrum was leaving. I desperately didn’t want to leave my home, my family, or my friends. But, as I got older, I started to get used to the idea. After a long struggle with God, I eventually said, “Okay. Fine. I’ll go where you want me to go, and I’ll do what you want me to do.” Thus, leaving me excited to go to college next fall (after a good while of still getting used to the idea). I was so excited, and happy that I was finally okay with leaving, aaaaand then the ball dropped.

After looking at this next year, I realized that it would really be better for me to take a year off to save money for school, get my license, etc. The more good reasons I saw to stay, it seemed like God was telling me to wait another year. I was so disappointed. After wrestling so long with the idea of leaving, I could not understand why God was telling me to stay. However, at this point, I’m pretty used to God doing things that don’t make sense, and are kind of annoying, and aren’t what I want to do.

There are so many directions I could go with this post. I could talk about college, and why it isn’t always a good idea to go. I could talk about wise choices, and how sometimes they really suck. And, I could talk about how to cope when God pulls that rug out from under you, and you lie there, thinking, “God?! What the heck?!” That’s kind of where I’m at, at the moment. But, eventually you realize that you can’t lie on that rug forever, so you get up, and you walk down the road that God put you on. You keep going, and you try to find the good in the crazy road trip that you’re now on.

My 2018

My 2018 was interesting. My first thought is to say it was awful. But, looking back on it, I did some pretty cool things. Some things that will probably change my life for the better. I wanted to write them down so I don’t forget them, and so I don’t just remember the bad, stressful times.

January – (Apparently nothing big happened in January; I can’t be interesting all the time. 😉 )

February – I came to the realization that I wasn’t okay, and started the journey to getting okay.

March – I was brave enough to do my first offertory with my best friend; finished my first painting (which is still a huge hit somehow).

April – I got to celebrate the wedding of some super cool friends (which was my first wedding without my parents, being my first “big girl” wedding), and I got to do my second offertory with my bestie.

May – One of my besties and I stayed home alone for the weekend, Vacation Bible School set up at church started (including puppets, drama, and decorating), I started weekly movie night with my one of my other besties, and youth group finished for the summer.

June – VBS work days every Saturday, drama team meetings somewhere in there, and puppet team meetings; ALL the open houses, VBS week, and WordCamp GR that same weekend, where I spoke for the very first time.

July – My third offertory (which I believe I did by myself), and a week in Pennsylvania, at Summit University, for Teen Leadership Conference with my Youth Group.

August – I got to speak for the second time ever at WordCamp Jackson, MI, I got to scope out the town I may be going to for college in the fall, and I started a new job! I also stopped maintaining the social site I had been trying to build.

September – Turned 17, did an escape room with some friends for my birthday, and celebrated with another friend because we share a birthday; youth group started up again, and I went to my first big Halloween party with my cousins and sister.

October – Went on my first college visit, did my fourth offertory the day after (I really need to stop planning offertories after so many trips…), and officially joined my church’s puppet team.

November – Fifth offertory, got a fantastic new book, and went to comic con!

December – Had various parties celebrating Christmas, New Years, and “family” togetherness; was in a Christmas pageant with the puppet team (which was a huge hit), and babysat three little kids independently for the first time.

2018 was crazy, and hard, and fun, and a really great year. It prepared me for growing up. It taught me how to say no to things when I knew I couldn’t handle them. It reminded me that sometimes you just have an off day, and need some space. But, that you also need to go to others for help.

Throughout 2018 my artistic career really took off. I realized how much I loved art. And, I had the money, time, and freedom to learn a lot about it (thank you Bob Ross!).

It’s incredible how much you learn and grow in just a year. It may feel awful at the time, but when you get to the end, and look back at it, you realize it was all worth it.

Think

You know those times when you see someone doing something CRAZY like eating a food you don’t like, and actually enjoying it? Or, maybe someone doesn’t know something “obvious” so you comment about how they should’ve known it already? Well, these are all things people do, usually unintentionally, and they really suck on the receiving end.

The kinds of reactions I put above are pretty normal human being things. But to the person who might not know something, or maybe really likes to eat something you think is gross, is really hurt by the fact that you’re essentially calling them an idiot by those responses.

I’m not writing this to call anybody out, or make anyone feel bad. I’m writing this because most people respond that way unintentionally. I mean, I used to respond that way all the time, and I still do. What I want to keep from happening is people accidentally hurting others because they didn’t know how these responses affect other people. There have been plenty of times when some of my closest friends have made me feel like a total idiot by using those responses. I’m absolutely certain they didn’t mean to, but they still did. And it still hurt.

I think the goal here is to think about how what you’re saying might affect someone else. Instead of saying, “You didn’t know that? But you’re a senior in high school?” You could say, “Now you do get to know it!” It’s building each other up instead of beating each other down.

I brought this up because I’ve been seeing it a lot lately, and I wanted to show others who might not know they’re doing it. Not to tell them they have to change, but to show them something different so they have a choice. There was a week where I got those responses nearly every time I was around my friends. I knew they didn’t mean anything by it, but it hurt, and I was beat down. I really didn’t want to see, or hang out with, any of them. I needed some time to remind myself of the truths of the matter. Not what anyone else thought (even though they may not have been thinking it in the first place).

There Comes a Time

The hurt doesn’t last forever. It just doesn’t. Sometimes it takes a while, but if you’re actively trying to sort through it, and pray about it, then it won’t. There comes a time when you win. When you beat what comes at you in your weakest moments. When you defeat what drags you down. This year the greatest Christmas gift I got was being able to beat what’s been making me nauseous.

I knew my nausea was a mental thing. Like, I was so afraid of something that it would make me feel sick, but I didn’t know what I was afraid of. I felt stuck. How could I stop being afraid of something when I didn’t know what I was afraid of? I spent months agonizing. I wrote about a lot of it, too. I was angry, I was depressed, I was afraid to do anything because I knew I would feel nauseous. I was at a low.

Being at that low set me back. I let myself get too distracted by all the pain I was feeling that I couldn’t solve my problem. I was falling deeper and deeper into this pit of teenage emotions. Then, right around Christmas, something clicked. I knew what I had to do, and how to beat it. I knew how to finally win. I’m not normal, but I’m a lot closer to normal than I was before. I can feel it. I know something’s changed, and I know I’m gonna keep it that way.

Over the last few months I really started to give up on feeling normal again. It had been so long, and I tried everything I could think of, but it seemed to do nothing. It seemed like it would last forever. Everything that I figured out around Christmas proves that I was wrong. Our pain doesn’t last forever, and it doesn’t plague us like we think it does. Another example:

I’ve had a few nightmares about my dog bite. All of them included at least one dog trying to hurt me, and I almost always woke up breathing heavy, and feeling terrified. Those dreams always stuck with me for a few days, at least, and after four years I can still remember them. On Christmas eve I had a nightmare about 10-15 dogs chasing me, and trying to kill me. That should’ve been one of the worst dreams, right? Well, it wasn’t. I woke up Christmas morning feeling fine. Pretty much all the pain, and fear, I had about the dog bite in general had drifted away.